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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853149">Process</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechavanator/pseuds/thechavanator'>thechavanator</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dragon Quest XI</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Full Game Spoilers, Hero | Luminary is Named Eleven | El (Dragon Quest XI), Mute Hero | Luminary (Dragon Quest XI), frequent mentions of past trauma, i'm not TOTALLY sure this qualifies as a vent fic but! to be safe, is that...is that a tag????, the rest of the party is hanging around too, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:09:25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,069</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thechavanator/pseuds/thechavanator</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p><i>And it should be nice, traveling for the sake of traveling and not for some grand quest, staying in Cobblestone with Erik and Gemma and Mia, and it would be wrong to say it’s</i> not.<i></i></p><p>
  <i>But the minute there’s nothing occupying his attention, his mind wanders, and he’s left alone with his thoughts, and everything comes rushing back at him, everything he shoved away for the purpose of taking care of his friends, taking care of Erdrea. How did he manage it when the world was falling apart if he can’t even manage it when everyone’s safe?</i>
</p><p>or, an exploration of repressed trauma through the eyes of a certain hero of Erdrea, and how it doesn't go away, but gets a bit easier to bear.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Process</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HEY GANG THIS STORY DEALS WITH ~TRAUMA~ SO PLEASE TREAD CAUTIOUSLY, NOTHING TRAUMATIC HAPPENS ON PAGE BUT IT SURE IS DISCUSSED, INCLUDING VERY VAGUELY IN THE NOTES HERE.</p><p>I've had...an experience these past couple weeks. A conversation led to me talking about a thing, which led to me realizing I am FAR less okay about said thing than I thought I was, apparently. (Surprise, that's a trauma reaction, Chel!) And now i'm just....<i>angry,</i> about the whole thing, really. I've been talking about it, which helps, actually, but I had this thought earlier today <strike>that also happened to fill a prompt I had in my inbox</strike> and wanted to, like, get it on a page. I mean, what better way to write out your feelings than dumping it all on a character who already has that kind of trauma? (Also yes I qualify the gloomnivore as traumatic in and of itself.)</p><p>Also, this is not terribly well-edited on account of it's a vent-ish thing that I wrote within the span of a few hours and I just wanted to toss it out there. And again, tread carefully, dear reader.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He’s fine. No need to worry. He did his fair share of crying before, in another time, in another place, and now he’s okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So what if his hands were shaking when he fought Jasper for the final time? So what if the sight of Carnelian on Yggdrasil, even in the castle, halted him in his tracks, so what if he froze in fear when Mordegon revealed himself, to the point that his friends had to start the fight for him? So what if that dream in the Warrior’s Rest Inn jolted him awake, left him a mess, nearly forced all of his friends to drag him to Dundrasil to save his father’s ghost? So what if the thought of facing another apocalypse, one that wouldn’t have happened if he had </span>
  <em>
    <span>stayed put</span>
  </em>
  <span>, made him sick to his stomach and filled his heart with dread? He’s fine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He survived Mordegon (again), survived the Gloomnivore (again), survived the trials, survived Calasmos, survived whatever the world threw at him until there was nothing left to do but relax, for once. And it was fine, he was fine. For a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Aren’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>lucky,” Veronica tells him, not long after the world is saved (again). “Mordegon was so focused on the sword when we fought him...I’m astounded he didn’t try stabbing you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She continues on, but Eleven doesn’t really process the rest of it. She doesn’t know, of </span>
  <em>
    <span>course </span>
  </em>
  <span>she doesn’t, he’d conveniently left that part out of his story of the original timeline, but Mordegon did—well, just that. But he survived, he got his powers back, he saved Erdrea, he pushed it all back to the farthest corners of his mind because there was always </span>
  <em>
    <span>something</span>
  </em>
  <span> more important to do. And it’s fine! He’s fine!</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Except he’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not, </span>
  </em>
  <span>is he?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He throws himself into whatever he can, rebuilding Dundrasil, clearing out the last vestiges of monster infestation from Gondolia or the Octagonian orphanage, helping lay any of Mordegon’s remaining victims to rest. And it’s okay, actually, it eases some of the pain bearing on him. As long as he has something to do, he can keep his mind off—</span>
  <em>
    <span>that.</span>
  </em>
  
</p><p>
  <span>But the kingdom stands once again, and the cities are free of any remaining monsters, and the remnants of Mordegon’s unseen terror is finally cleared away, and there’s nothing left to do but enjoy his retirement from all this hero stuff. And it should be nice, traveling for the sake of traveling and not for some grand quest, staying in Cobblestone with Erik and Gemma and Mia, and it would be wrong to say it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>not.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>But the minute there’s nothing occupying his attention, his mind wanders, and he’s left alone with his thoughts, and everything comes rushing back at him, everything he shoved away for the purpose of taking care of his friends, taking care of Erdrea. How did he manage it when the world was falling apart if he can’t even manage it when everyone’s safe?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Why’d you let it happen?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he asks Her, looking at the sky around him, the shrine to Erdwin and his friends, the small statues of his own companions, anywhere but Yggdrasil Herself. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“You had to know, right? You had to know I was walking into a trap, you </span>
  </em>
  <span>had</span>
  <em>
    <span> to know what Mordegon’s plan was, right?” </span>
  </em>
  <span>His hands are shaking as he tries to fight back </span>
  <em>
    <span>years</span>
  </em>
  <span> of repressed sadness and anger. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“And you just let it happen?!”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Yggdrasil doesn’t answer, because of course She doesn’t. He’s halfway convinced that She wants nothing to do with him now that his little mission is done. (And, sure, part of him knows that </span>
  <em>
    <span>technically</span>
  </em>
  <span> this Yggdrasil isn’t the one that nearly let him die in front of Her, but they were one and the same before he stopped all that. As far as his frenzied mind is concerned, this Yggdrasil is just as culpable.)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The wind blows through his hair as he rises to his feet, gazing down at the world below Yggdrasil’s little corner of the sky. There’s gotta be something more productive he can do than yell at a tree, right? Maybe...maybe he should talk to someone about it, honestly. But who?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The twins—especially in this timeline—are a no-go; even with everything they’d seen in their adventures, they’re still fairly sheltered, and he’s not sure they’d know what to say in the </span>
  <em>
    <span>slightest.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Gemma even </span>
  <em>
    <span>more</span>
  </em>
  <span> so, honestly. For all of Sylv’s troubles, they’d probably just try to fix it themself, somehow, and while Jade and Rab have their own experiences with this kind of thing, it’s not the same. And Erik...Erik’s the most likely of them to </span>
  <em>
    <span>get it,</span>
  </em>
  <span> but he’s got enough to work through without Eleven piling extra baggage on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Maybe it’s best to stick to someone who </span>
  <em>
    <span>kinda</span>
  </em>
  <span> knows how he feels, someone who’s been used the way he has. Mia would be a </span>
  <em>
    <span>perfect</span>
  </em>
  <span> choice, if she actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>remembered </span>
  </em>
  <span>anything from the other timeline instead of relying solely on his testimony. (Not that he’d wish those memories on her at all.) The Seer, too, but of course they faded away not long after Mordegon did, not to mention the </span>
  <em>
    <span>huge sense of discomfort</span>
  </em>
  <span> that accompanies Mordegon in </span>
  <em>
    <span>any </span>
  </em>
  <span>form. Jasper...is currently either dead or a ghost living in Hendrik’s armor, neither of which is particularly helpful for his purposes. Hendrik himself isn’t a </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible</span>
  </em>
  <span> option, aside from being </span>
  <em>
    <span>tremendously awkward</span>
  </em>
  <span> to the point of probably making Eleven feel worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alright. So no options. Wonderful.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eleven?” Someone behind him calls for him, and Eleven nearly tumbles off of Yggdrasil’s sky island in his surprise. A familiar hand catches him, pulling him back onto solid ground; he glances up, watching Erik’s eyes flicker from fright to relief to concern. “El, we’ve been looking </span>
  <em>
    <span>everywhere</span>
  </em>
  <span> for you,” Erik says, voice soft just as it had been when the two of them had first stumbled upon the ruins of Cobblestone. “You vanished without saying anything to </span>
  <em>
    <span>any </span>
  </em>
  <span>of us. What brought you up here?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As if on cue, a breeze blows past, and he thinks he hears a voice, light and airy, speaking to him. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Tell him,</span>
  </em>
  <span> he thinks it says, if it’s an actual voice and not his ears playing tricks on him. (Maybe he’s going crazy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is </span>
  </em>
  <span>he going crazy? Did his mind snap under the weight of claws in his chest and an endless litany of despair in his ears?)</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He ignores it as he sits next to him beside the cliff edge, signing, </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Just felt like having a chat with Yggdrasil. It’s been a while since we saved Erdrea, so I figured I owe Her a visit.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not quite a lie, considering he came up here to yell at Her...but he does feel guilty about lying to Erik.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another breeze blows, stronger this time, almost like Mum chastising him for doing something wrong. (Oh, </span>
  <em>
    <span>now</span>
  </em>
  <span> Yggdrasil has something to say.) Erik glances around, seemingly questioning the weird weather up here, before looking back at Eleven with a look that </span>
  <em>
    <span>screams</span>
  </em>
  <span> disbelief. “El, don’t even try that, you’ve </span>
  <em>
    <span>never</span>
  </em>
  <span> talked to Yggdrasil before. What’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>really</span>
  </em>
  <span> going on?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleven stands, feigning a smile as best as he can. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Nothing’s going on. Just wanted to take a little trip on my own.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He holds out a hand as he prepares to Zoom back home, and Erik takes it with no further complaint.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Darling,” Sylv begins, having finally cornered Eleven during a beach trip he keeps trying to remove himself from, “we’re all worried about you! Why don’t you tell us what’s been on your mind?” The rest of the group crowds around, apparently taking a break from the day’s festivities to fuss over him. They really shouldn’t, they should just enjoy themselves, no need to worry about Eleven’s broken psyche.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleven feels </span>
  <em>
    <span>terrible</span>
  </em>
  <span> about this, he really does. But wasn’t part of his reason for going back an attempt to keep them from going through everything associated with the Fall? So far talking to them hasn’t made them relive anything, and thank the goddess for that, but he really doesn’t want to risk it. (Sometimes he wishes that he’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>also </span>
  </em>
  <span>lost his memories from that other time, but then he looks down at the jagged, twisting scar on his chest and decides that wouldn’t give him peace at all.) </span>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s nothing, really,</span>
  </em>
  <span>” he says, idly tapping his feet on the floor. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Just trying to adjust to normal life, you know?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylv sighs, eyes rolled up to the ceiling. “Darling, I know a bad liar when I see one. Trust me, I </span>
  <em>
    <span>am</span>
  </em>
  <span> one.” They step closer, attempting to lay a hand on his shoulder as Eleven flinches away. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Eleven, you don’t need to suffer alone,” Jade tells him, seemingly knowing better than to try her luck. “Holding things back doesn’t help anyone. You saved the world, please, let us help you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That,</span>
  </em>
  <span> of all things, ends up doing him in; in an instant, the shoddy wall he’d built around that part of his heart crumbles, leaving him shuddering and sobbing in some oddly-isolated corner of Puerto Valor. His hands are shaking </span>
  <em>
    <span>far</span>
  </em>
  <span> too much to sign properly, so he scours his bag for his journal; a proper conversation is out of the question, so even if his handwriting comes out messier than normal, it’s really the best option he has if he wants to make sure he actually tells them (and doesn’t talk himself out later). </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So he writes, about the things they know, about Jasper and Mordegon, of course, but also what they don’t know: about exactly how Mordegon destroyed Yggdrasil’s Heart, the power he stole from Her would-be hero, the whats and hows. About his first encounter with the monster feeding off his father, about how it played off his existing struggles in an attempt to get him to fall victim to the same fate. He looks it over once, twice, eyeing the tears blotting the page, before he decides that any further wait risks him burying it in his heart forever. He shoves it into Sylv’s hands, curling in on himself, trying to wipe the remaining tears from his eyes, and waiting for whatever hell awaits him when they finish.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylv’s eyes scan the pages and Eleven watches them, watches the transition from nodding in understanding to wide-eyed disbelief. They pass it off to Jade without a word, joining him on the ground, not touching him (thank the goddess, he doesn’t think he can handle that right now) but simply staying by his side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He watches Jade murmur “oh, goddess above” as she shoves the journal at Hendrik, her face nearly as white as a sheet. Eleven can practically see the pure </span>
  <em>
    <span>guilt</span>
  </em>
  <span> radiating out of Hendrik’s entire being, even though Eleven has never placed an ounce of blame on his shoulders. On to Serena, who gasps before she even finishes the first page, to Veronica, stunned silent for once, to Rab, fists clenched like he wants to kill Mordegon </span>
  <em>
    <span>again,</span>
  </em>
  <span> on to Erik, who reads with unprecedented speed until the journal falls from his hands entirely.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shit, </span>
  </em>
  <span>El,” Erik says once he finally regains his ability to speak, joining him and Sylv on the sand, followed shortly by the rest of his friends. “I can’t say I really blame you for bottling all this up. I mean, I’m not exactly a paragon of honesty…”He runs his hands through his hair, probably to keep himself from babbling </span>
  <em>
    <span>too </span>
  </em>
  <span>much. “That’s why you were up with Yggdrasil that day, wasn’t it?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eleven nods. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“Thought yelling at a tree might solve my problems,” </span>
  </em>
  <span>he signs, now that his hands have calmed enough to make his words </span>
  <em>
    <span>actually decipherable. “It, uh, obviously didn’t.” </span>
  </em>
  <span>He lets out half a laugh, which is better than nothing, he supposes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>“I’m sorry for worrying you guys, really—”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Sylv cuts him off, gently, of course. “Darling, you don’t need to apologize for anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>---</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d like to say that all of that went away as soon as that conversation ended. He’d </span>
  <em>
    <span>like</span>
  </em>
  <span> to say that he never jolts awake from a nightmare, never panics when a stray monster lands a blow a bit too close to his heart, never freezes at a word or a phrase, but that’s just unrealistic.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s a process. But, at least, it’s a process he doesn’t have to handle alone.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tumblr: thechavanator (main) / eleven-of-light (dq spoilers) / chellion-characters (OCs)<br/>twitter: nonotfromportal (main) / dqChellion (fandom, mostly dq)<br/>discord: Chel!#2061</p><p>If you're struggling with any sort of darkness, whatever it might be, that's weighing on your mind, and this resonates with you: you're not alone, you didn't (and still don't) deserve it, and I hope you find the peace of mind you're searching for.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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